I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
We need to get me chipped asap
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
