i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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