so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
