is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
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