I think I just saw someone hide a body.
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize