dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
