my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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