dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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