Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
