That's intense
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
