She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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