Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
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