have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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