Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
