my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
