If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Holy sore nipples Batman
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
