I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Randomize
