hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
