I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
