i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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