You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Randomize
