He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
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