The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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