Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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