seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
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