the only muscles i have these days is kegels
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Randomize
