I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Randomize
