Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Randomize
