a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
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