bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
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