the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Randomize
