we're chasing vodka with high fives
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Randomize
