Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize