her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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