I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
Randomize
