I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Randomize
