I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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