Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
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