my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
