Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
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