I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
