Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
