now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
