Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Randomize
