I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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