that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
We left the knife in your bed.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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