Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
dude she licked ball and has every Are you afraid of the dark episode on dvd
lock that shit down
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
