he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
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