dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Randomize
