You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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