im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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