I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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