Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
