I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Randomize
