dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
